mental-health

Navigating Life’s Uncertainties

Daily writing prompt
Do you spend more time thinking about the future or the past? Why?

I spend more time thinking about the future, contemplating the myriad possibilities that lie ahead. As a senior, I am acutely aware that my time on earth could be soon or extend for another twenty years or more. Each day I find myself reflecting on the legacy I wish to leave behind, the relationships I want to nurture, and the dreams I still wish to fulfill. The uncertainty of life fuels my motivation to make each moment count and encourages me to embrace both the challenges and joys that come my way, as I navigate this stage of my life with hope and resilience.

I often find myself contemplating the profound question, “how will my time on earth end?” Will I be peacefully walking along one day, only to have an unforeseen mishap occur, leading to a sudden fall or perhaps my untimely death? Or will the end come in the form of a serious accident, shrouded in chaos and uncertainty? Alternatively, could it be that I will find my life eclipsed by the shadow of a relentless illness, one that forces me to endure countless years enveloped in pain and suffering? These thoughts swirl in my mind, weaving a tapestry of fear and curiosity about what lies beyond this mortal existence, leaving me to ponder the meaning of life and the inevitability of its conclusion.

I have been pretty healthy throughout my life, and I’ve always taken my well-being seriously, engaging in regular exercise and maintaining a balanced diet. The most serious health event was almost three years ago when I had a near-death experience due to a gigantic blood clot that formed between my lungs, quite unexpectedly. I remember how terrifying it was to realize that my life was hanging in the balance. Fortunately, I was one of the lucky 3 to 5 percent who survived this kind of event, which has left me with a profound appreciation for life and the fragility of health. This experience not only changed my perspective but also motivated me to advocate for awareness about blood clots and to share my story with others, emphasizing the importance of paying attention to our bodies and the signs they give us. Never massage a cramp in the leg. It may be a blood clot, and the massage may break the clot loose and migrate to the lung and heart to become a life-threatening serious event.

I often think about important events and memories in my life, getting lost in a mix of happy moments and achievements. It’s interesting how certain experiences bring back strong feelings, reminding me of places and people that have shaped me. From joyful childhood times to key career milestones, each memory is like a thread in my personal history. Reflecting on these moments gives me nostalgia and reminds me of the lessons learned and strength gained. It helps me appreciate my journey and understand my future goals better.

Navigating Life After Surgeries

Daily writing prompt
Have you ever had surgery? What for?

Yes, I had surgery for a variety of medical issues, which included outpatient procedures and acute problems that had developed over time.

The first surgery was for cataracts, a common condition that can cloud the lens of the eye and affect vision. I was fifty years old when the first one was performed, a significant moment in my life that marked the beginning of a journey toward clearer sight. I remember the anticipation and slight anxiety I felt leading up to the procedure, but I was relieved to learn that it was a relatively routine surgery. Then, ten years later, I underwent the same procedure for the remaining eye, which allowed me to fully appreciate the world in vivid detail once again. This is now an outpatient surgery and normally uneventful, with most patients able to return home the same day. I seldom wear glasses anymore since the surgery, which has been a liberating experience, although I still occasionally find myself reaching for them while using the laptop for extended periods, especially when focusing on small text or detail-oriented tasks. The difference in my vision post-surgery has greatly enhanced my daily life, allowing me to engage more fully in activities that I enjoy, such as reading and exploring life

The next surgery happened in 2018 for an eleven mm kidney stone in my right kidney. No modesty allowed here; it was a process that truly tested my understanding of medical technology. They went up through the basement using a laser to break up the stone, a technique that showcases the incredible advancements in modern medicine. In addition to the laser, they needed a bright light to illuminate the area and a vacuum to efficiently remove the debris created during the procedure. It’s remarkable to think about how they can insert all that specialized equipment into your tube and navigate their way up to the kidney, skillfully extracting the stone with such precision. I was kept under observation overnight, monitoring any complications, and was thankfully discharged the following afternoon, feeling relieved yet exhausted. For twelve hours after the surgery, I passed urine that looked like chocolate milk, an unsettling sight that served as a vivid reminder of the battle I had just endured. Each urinating act was a mix of discomfort and fascination at what my body was going through, making me appreciate the resilience of the human body and the expertise of the medical professionals who helped me.

Finally, on January 7, 2023, I had a pulmonary saddle embolism, which is a gigantic blood clot between my lungs. Word to the wise, if you ever wake up in the middle of the night, with a terrific pain in a calf. Do not massage the calf to relieve the pain. Speculation is the massage caused the DVT clot to break loose and migrate from the calf to between the lungs. CT scan showed that it looked like a large tree root going to various parts of the lungs.

They gave me three options, each with its own set of implications and outcomes. First, I could simply rely on medication to try to dissolve the clot, a method that seemed less invasive but carried uncertainties about its effectiveness and timing. The second option was more direct: they would enter through the groin above the hip under anesthesia and insert a specialized instrument designed to remove the clot as much as possible. This approach felt aggressive, and the thought of going under made me hesitate. The third option, however, piqued my interest despite its unconventional nature. It involved performing the same procedure as the second option, but without general anesthesia; instead, I would remain awake and alert, with only local pain medication to numb the area. They explained that they had seen the best results with this method, which allowed for immediate adjustments during the procedure based on my feedback. After weighing the risks and benefits of each choice, I ultimately opted for the third option, believing that remaining conscious would not only give me a measure of control over the situation but also help to improve the overall outcome of the procedure.

The most pain I suffered was when they cut the artery or vein to insert the instruments. They didn’t bother to tell me that they were going to make another incision above the other hip to remove the debris, which caught me completely off guard. It was just as painful as the first incision, intensifying my anxiety and fear during the procedure. The rest of the surgery was not that painful, but I experienced immense discomfort and unease that lingered in my mind. During that harrowing bout, I did think I took my last breath and felt a chilling certainty that my time on this earth was drawing to a close. I do believe I experienced a near-death event, one that left an indelible impression on my psyche, and I had a surreal preview of the time after life on this earth, filled with profound reflections that I still ponder to this day. After three days in the ICU and an additional day in the hospital, they sent me home, but that was only the beginning of my journey back to normalcy. It has been over two and a half years since that day, and while I have recovered physically, the emotional and psychological scars have remained. The only long-term effects are the daily reminder that I must take blood thinner medication for the remainder of my life, which serves as a constant connection to that traumatic experience, reminding me of the fragility of existence and the importance of cherishing every moment.

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Sunset to Sunrise

Ten to eleven o’clock is the normal time for me to go to bed and sleep. Seven to eight o’clock is the normal time for me to get up.

Sounds simple, right? Unfortunately, there are events that does not make it a simple eight-hour sound sleep. First, my bladder requires attention at least twice during that time. Some nights it happens four times. Many times, I get up go and come back and go back to sleep almost immediately. Other times not so fortunate. My mind starts working and I start thinking about many different subjects and takes different times to fall back to sleep. I remember the good old days when I could fall asleep and sleep for eight hours before my bladder would say, “hey Tom, it is time to pee!”

Secondly, I have started to wake up somewhere around four or five in the morning. I guess I do not need eight hours of sleep anymore before I feel rested. I don’t get up at that time. It gives me a good time to reconcile various events in my life. It may be a recent event or some event that happened many years ago. I do enjoy this time though; it gives me a time to think about actions I took or relationships in my life. Also, I take time to talk to the creator. It is usually a one-sided conversation though. After this mental activity I usually take a snooze before it is time to arise. I cannot remember the last time an alarm clock was needed to wake me up in the morning. Apparently, my biological clock never goes to sleep.

As I become older the afternoon nap is becoming more common and the ten-fifteen-minute snooze has become an hour or more.

Daily writing prompt
What time do you go to bed and wake up currently?

Peace

Throughout life you start to accumulate stuff. You get material things. You learn, you have encounters with other beings. You collect all this stuff in this short span of your life. Society promotes that material possessions are the most important in life. Many have a worth more than I cannot comprehend. Do they have it all? That is up for debate.

Little over a year I had a near death experience. I was on the operating table, and I heard an aide say, “doctor his blood pressure is dropping”! I was feeling really bad. I could not inhale or exhale. I thought, this is it! My life is over! After that I felt something, I never felt before in my life. I felt peace, no fear, no anger, nothing, just peace. This peace is very hard to explain. But it is a peace I want to feel again. No, I did not see a light at the end of the tunnel, no angels, no music, just peace, Total peace.

After a period of time, I started to hear operating room noises, I am still alive! What a shock, I thought I died. For a period of time, they did things to me and then the doctor started talking to me. He said, “Tom we got most of the clot removed and things look promising.” I said that I heard my blood pressure dropping and I asked him how low did it go? There was a pause, and he said, “you don’t want to know, and I am not going to tell you.” To this day I don’t know how low the blood pressure was. Continuing the conversation he said, “Tom I think we made the right decision to keep you awake during the procedure instead of anesthesia. I am afraid that if you would have gone under anesthesia, we would have lost you. I feel I had a preview of time after death. Total peace!

My conclusion is that “having it all” is obtainable, but it will happen during the time after death.

I recently discovered a website Near Death Research Foundation. It is an interesting site. I am going to enter my experience on this site sometime.

Daily writing prompt
What does “having it all” mean to you? Is it attainable?