For most of my life, I have tried to be something I was not, constantly feeling the weight of expectation pressing down on me. Many times, throughout various stages of my life, I heard, “You should be like, whatever name you want to insert,” and it struck a chord of frustration deep within. In my younger years, I repeatedly heard, “You should be more like your brother.” Just because he is five years older than me, does that mean I should mold myself to resemble him? I guess I was a handful when I was young, bursting with energy and enthusiasm that didn’t quite align with the quieter demeanor expected by those around me. Going to school, I faced the same external comparisons; teachers and peers alike would say, “You should be more like Johnny,” who seemed to embody the ideal student. Even at church, I heard confessions about sinfulness, being told that I was a sinner and should strive to be more like the saints and apostles, paragons of virtue and righteousness. Well, I got the picture loud and clear: I should be somebody I am not, contorting my identity in an effort to fit in with the surrounding society. This persistent pressure to conform has woven a complex narrative of identity conflict, leaving me questioning the very essence of who I truly am amidst the cacophony of voices telling me who I should strive to become.
My teenage years were very difficult for me. For some reason, I was angry and mad all the time, often feeling like I was in a constant storm of emotions that I couldn’t control. I hated myself and my situation, feeling trapped in a world that seemed to misunderstand me at every turn. Was it because I was trying to be somebody I was not, desperately seeking approval from peers while losing sight of my true self, or was it just the hormonal change that everyone goes through during that age? The confusion was overwhelming, and every day felt like a new battle. I often wondered if there was a way out of this turmoil or if I was destined to feel this way forever. One will never know, but those memories have shaped the person I am today, reminding me of the struggles that many people face during a pivotal time in their lives.
I was drafted into the army later, and looking back now, I think this is one of the best things that happened to me in that period of my life. During the tumultuous Viet Nam era, I found myself in a unique position; my service period was served in Germany instead of Viet Nam, unlike the seven other men drafted on that day who all went to the frontlines in Viet Nam. Why I went to Germany and not Viet Nam is a mystery I will never fully comprehend. Perhaps fate had a hand in it, guiding my journey toward experiences that would shape my understanding of the world. In the service, you meet all kinds of people from many different areas of the country, each with their own stories and backgrounds, and it was in the midst of this blend of humanity that I began to realize that the human race is not that bad. Those I encountered were basically good, each one simply trying to navigate the myriad challenges in front of them, forging friendships in shared adversity, and teaching me valuable lessons about resilience, camaraderie, and the importance of empathy in a world rife with conflict.
I have spent maybe two thirds of my life trying to be somebody that I am not. You may believe this or not, but, one day I was taking a walk around the greenbelt near our home, a serene place filled with the soft rustle of leaves and the gentle chirping of birds. There was nobody around, and I was just having some silent time to my own, immersed in the peaceful ambiance of nature. Then suddenly, in that moment of stillness, a loud voice came out and spoke. “Tom, stop trying to be somebody else, just be yourself! Your purpose in life is to be yourself!” Those words resonated deeply within me, echoing against the backdrop of my insecurities and fears. After that event, I made a conscious decision to just be myself, fully embracing my flaws and uniqueness rather than masking them behind a façade. Since that transformative day, I have found a profound sense of peace and joy within me, realizing that the journey of self-acceptance can lead to genuine happiness. I even like myself now, embracing my quirks and individuality with pride. This is one significant positive change I have made in my life, and it has opened doors to new connections and experiences that reflect my true self.
TomT2.0 