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I am in my mid-eighties, and I am beginning to wonder, is my time to depart the earth near? Many times, in the last weeks I have had this empty feeling, as though a heavy cloud hangs over my spirit, casting shadows on my vibrant thoughts. The memories of a life richly lived swirl around me, bringing both joy and sadness as I reflect on the countless moments that shaped my journey. Conversations with loved ones feel more poignant, and I find myself cherishing each encounter, each laugh, and each shared story. As I sit quietly, watching the world outside my window, I can’t help but contemplate my legacy and what I will leave behind, igniting a deeper awareness of the fragility of life and the preciousness of time.

I have had these empty feeling other times during my life and times after I experienced an event in my life that affected me deeply. It often feels as though this empty feeling serves as an unspoken warning, a subtle premonition that something significant is about to transpire. Like a shadow lurking in the corner of my mind, this sensation accompanies me, making me ponder the nature of foresight and intuition. Sometimes, something indeed happens, manifesting as a surprising twist of fate, while other times, this sense of unease dissipates and nothing occurs. It leaves me in a state of reflection, trying to analyze the correlation between these moments and their outcomes. I would speculate the rate is around 50% accurate, suggesting a curious balance between expectation and reality, where the mind plays tricks, leading one to wonder about the origins of this emotional forewarning and its implications on my experiences.

Over two years ago I had a near-death experience, an event that truly reshaped my understanding of life and existence. Yes, I did have that empty feeling a few days before the event happened, a sense of foreboding that something significant was on the horizon. However, that experience did give me a gift that changed my life profoundly. I lost the fear of time after death, a burden that had weighed heavily on my shoulders for so long. With my various experiences in life, including a substantial amount of religious training and other influential factors, I held the belief that we are all sinners, inherently flawed beings striving for perfection, and that one had to work hard to attain any form of eternal life after our time on this earth. For many years of my life, I thought I would never qualify to walk through the pearly gates, forever feeling unworthy of the grace I had been taught to aspire towards. This newfound perspective, however, allowed me to embrace the beauty of imperfection and the importance of living fully in the present, knowing that life, in all its ups and downs, is a journey filled with lessons rather than a test to pass or fail.

I am writing this blog because I woke up around four this morning, feeling empty and lost, like I was surrounded by a thick fog. The early morning quiet, with just a few sounds from the world waking up outside my window, let my thoughts flow into deep reflection. As the darkness faded into the first signs of dawn, I couldn’t shake the feeling of longing. This solitude often leads me to think deeply, encouraging me to explore my emotions and share my experiences.

I am at the age where I may fall over dead soon, or I may have many years to go, living life with hope and purpose. Each day presents new opportunities, and I will continue to make the fullest of whatever my destiny is, embracing both the challenges and joys that come my way. With every moment, I am reminded to cherish time spent with loved ones and to pursue my passions fearlessly. I am confident that God loves us unconditionally and, through the sacrifice of Christ, died for our sins, offering us grace and redemption. This belief anchors me, providing strength and comfort as I navigate the unpredictable waters of life.