A long, long time ago—specifically in 1994, when dinosaurs roamed the Earth—I took the plunge and bought my very first computer. I snagged it from a coworker who supposedly built computers from scratch, though I think he just glued some wood together and hoped for the best. If my memory serves me right (and it’s been known to play tricks), I forked over a whopping $700 for this techno marvel. Comparing that ancient relic to today’s gadgets is like comparing a bicycle to a rocket ship! The highlight back then? Oh, just charmingly efficient waits for the computer to process things—because who doesn’t love a good suspenseful pause in their life?

Windows 3.1 was the operating system, and let me tell you, it was about as slick as a greased pig on a hot day! The transfer system? A floppy disk, of course—because who doesn’t love playing “guess which way is up?” with a piece of plastic? This bad boy could hold less than 500 kilobits; that’s right, kilobits, not even megabytes—a time when everyone shared programs like they were passing around a plate of cookies. Copyright laws? Pfft! Totally useless! “Hey Joe, I snagged this new program; want a copy?” It had a whopping 2 megabytes of RAM—impressive if you were a computer from the Stone Age! Gigabyte memories were just a twinkle in the future’s eye, and the hard drive was a paltry chunk of space under 1000 megabytes. USB or thumb drives? What a dream! We were just grateful if our computer didn’t spontaneously combust when booting up. Oh, how spoiled we have become!

You’ve got yourself a computer, but wait—what’s missing? A printer! Because, of course, you need to print out those emails no one reads. Now, you’ve added a printer, but oops! More memory for the printer means your computer is slower than a snail in molasses. But hey, why stop there? Let’s throw in a flatbed scanner! Great idea, right? More memory required! Now your computer is moving at a tortoise’s pace. And just when you thought it couldn’t get any better, the delightful era of combination printer/scanners rolls in, making your tech woes feel like a sitcom episode!

To be a computer guru back in the day, you needed a modem—oh yes, the good old days of the snazzy 32k modems, which were basically the F1 race cars of the time. But then, like a hero in a cheesy 80s movie, the revolutionary 64k modem burst onto the scene! Forget Wi-Fi; we were tethered to our phone lines like we were in some kind of tech prison. You’d dial up, sit back, and embark on the thrilling adventure of waiting—waiting, waiting, and oh, more waiting! And let’s not forget the charm of watching your computer slowly transform into a sluggish dinosaur, as all that nostalgia gobbled up your memory like it was an all-you-can-eat buffet!

If I remember correctly, I clung to this computer like it was my lifeline until after Y2K — because let’s be honest, most tech from back then was about as prepared for the year 2000 as I was for my first date! I can’t quite recall how they fixed that whole “catastrophic doom” situation, but I do remember the panic rivaling a toddler without their snack. Since my first computer, I’ve lost track of how many new ones I’ve bought in the last 30 years — definitely over ten, because clearly, my love for technology rivals my love for pizza! Most of them have been Dell or HP, but one relative had an Acer that seemed to enjoy testing their patience more than anything else. I’d pick Dell over HP any day, but I can’t comment on Apple — never had one, so it’s like judging a book by its cover… or maybe its shiny logo. Now we’ve got tablets, iPads, smartphones, smart TVs, and a whole universe of gadgets that make desktop computers feel like yesterday’s news. I wouldn’t be surprised if one day they take desktop towers out back for a quiet retirement; the sales are dropping faster than my motivation to exercise!

On my ancient relic of a computer back in 1994, there existed a magical financial sorcery tool known as Quicken. I became so attached to it that I probably needed a support group! Despite its many makeovers over the years, it still feels like an old friend—albeit one that occasionally needs a nap. I’ve endured everything from hard drive meltdowns to viral invasions, from hardware that thinks it’s a piece of modern art to software that’s gone rogue, and let’s not forget the countless moments of “Oops, I’m out of memory!” It’s been a wild and whimsical ride through the wonderfully chaotic world of computers!

With the rise of AI, I can totally picture a future where all you have to do is think about a topic, and voila! The trusty AI whips up a masterpiece, saves it, and sends it to all your friends and enemies while you kick back, sip your coffee, and embrace your inner couch potato. Who knew procrastination could get so high-tech?